Saturday, February 25, 2017

I'm sorry all I write about is endings

One night.

You've got two one night before all this is over, before everything changes.

One more night with these costumes

with these songs

with these people.

One night before it's done, another year in the books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a problem living in the moment. I seem to always be looking forward to things, giving them a big build-up. But then they actually happen and they just go so fast that suddenly it's all over and there I am, not wanting to slow down and appreciate what just happened.

Instead, there I am looking forward to the next thing.

I guess it's not that huge of a problem, There's nothing wrong with being excited about what's going to happen in your life. I just personally feel like with me, I'm constantly not appreciating whatever's currently happening.

I always look forward to this show. 10 months out of 12, I'm waiting for auditions, waiting for the call from the director, waiting for rehearsals to start. January and February are always busy and I'm so happy, but those two months go so fast.

I don't want this to end. I have friends graduating this year.

The amount of memories I've made this year is ridiculous. I've made some mistakes that I'll never live down, met some new people, and reconnected with old friends.

I'm not ready for the last show.

I'm not ready for the goodbyes that'll be said at the cast party, the almost inevitable tears that will happen.

These nerds that I somewhat hate have become so important to me that I'm not sure what I'll do after this is done. I have another show that's already started, The Jungle Book. It'll help the transition from one show to another, but it's always hard. The two acting groups are such polar opposites that they can't really be compared. One does musicals, the other classic plays. One has a huge cast, the other a tiny one. One secular, one Christian. One homeschool, one for everyone.

My life is full of great opportunities that I can't wait for. But it's always hardest when they end. And I know I talk a lot about endings but I think it's because that's when I feel the most and have something to write about. Because writing helps me process what's going on and helps ease the sadness when it's over. I want to save these feelings, and putting them into words helps a little

I perform for the feeling when I completely lose myself in the character and I'm no longer Emma. I perform for that moment when I turn around in the aisle, illuminated by a spotlight and I can see the audience turn to look at me. I perform for the feeling I get when it's done, a mixture of sadness and longing and pride, exhilaration and wistfulness and satisfaction that I've done it. I perform for when the stranger tells me I've "done Debbie Reynolds proud."

So yeah. Singin in the Rain is ending. It's been great, making memories and learning these songs and dances I'll have stuck in my head for the rest of  my life.

It's almost done, and imma make it the best ever.

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