Lately, dance has been a huge part of my life, and today, I wanted to share just why I dance and how I got into it.
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The lights are dim as I lie on the stage, waiting.
The opening of 'Flicker' by Lorde begins to play, and the lights come up red on the back of the stage.
The music pulses through me, my mind on the choreography. and then, the dance is done. I'm panting triumphantly as the lights go down again.
I feel alive.
I dance because of that. I dance because it's beautiful. Because it's how I express myself. Sometimes, when words can't speak, dance does. It keeps me strong and flexible. It makes me incredibly happy. But anyone who's known me for more than 3 years or so knows that I didn't always feel that way about performing.
I used to be shy. I didn't seem to fit with my three siblings, who all loved performing. I have old diary entries asking God why I was put in my family. I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. I was too shy. They would be singing and acting in various shows and there I was, the shy sister who bawled every time she had to go onstage.
One time at a homeschool recitation, I had to be onstage for probably less than two minutes to recite a poem with my older sister. Instead, I ended up in tears on the steps leading to the stage. I could not go on that stage. People who have never had stage fright often tell you to brush it off, it's not a big deal, just imagine the audience in their underwear (which, for the record, doesn't really work.)
They don't understand the paralyzing fear that comes when you think about performing.
Anyway, yes. That was me.
Fast-forward a few years.
Things started to get better. I eventually worked up the nerve to do the recitation. At VBS, I somehow had the guts to do a small solo at the closing program. My hand seemed to raise itself when they asked for volunteers. At a youth group dinner theatre, my hand, again, raised itself when they asked for actors. But I still couldn't work up the nerve to audition for an actual stage performance, no matter how small.
You see, it was always my dream to perform, I just couldn't. It seemed like there was something physically holding me back from going onstage, and I'd never been confident in my body. I would go to see my friend's dance recitals, and my mom would ask me, "Wouldn't you like to do that?" I said no, because I didn't want to admit to myself just how much I wanted to.
But finally, two summers ago, I gave in. Mom had been asking me about taking a beginner's modern class at a local studio. I wanted to, but again, fear of being judged fought with the fear of stage fright, which in turn fought with that dream of performing. And yeah, that's right. Fear of being judged or rejected. I guess it stems from never exactly being a 'skinny' kid. I was terrified of what people might think of me.
Anyway, I finally gave in. I would try a summer modern class. That is, as long as one of my close friends did it too.
Of course, she did, and now we dance together in modern. But from the moment we started that first combo, I started to gain confidence.
I was comfortable in my own body. It was a new feeling, and I liked it.
I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I could do this whole 'being in front of people' thing.
So I auditioned for the next musical that came around, and I've loved performing ever since.
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So that's why I dance.
It gave me a voice.
It gave me confidence.
It made me comfortable in my own skin.
Because of dance, I can praise God using my talents. I can honor Him in dance, in acting, and in singing.
Without dance, I honestly don't know where I would be.
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As some of you might know, being en pointe is an ambition of mine. Since I started ballet last summer, it's been a goal of mine.
Today, we got a call from the studio saying that I was the only dancer enrolled in the level 2/3 ballet, and would I be okay in trying the level 4 ballet (which is pre-pointe.)
I am absolutely thrilled at this, and can't wait for everything involving dance in my future.
So this is it, I guess. you might call it my testimony. (Or alimony, if you get that joke)
It's why I dance. Because it's beautiful. It's how I express myself, and dance can sometimes speak when nothing else can. Dance changed my life for the better. ☀
